22 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE OCTOBER 24, 1997

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How do I make my roommate move out?

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

I'm hot. Lick your finger and touch my hip, you'll be seein' the steam and hearin' the sizzle. Fajita platters are embarrassed next to me. "Magic Shell" wouldn't harden if you poured it on my butt.

I'm sexy too, but I'm talking actual physical temperature. I mean, I'm really hot.

Now, this is all well and good in the summer when everyone's whining about the heat, and walking down the street in your bra is commonplace, but as fall falls and my internal temperature remains infernal, I have to keep cool in increasingly secretive ways. I "accidentally" forget my jacket. I'm not above telling friends that their ice cubes taste, well, a little “freezery" so I can dump them and refill the trays, and have an excuse to hover around the fridge. I haven't yet taken up smoking so I have a regular excuse for standing outside in the wind, but it may just be a matter of time. I'm an increasingly desperate woman.

Nothing is worse, though, than the impact this has on my friends and lovers. I was raised to be a good hostess, so it genuinely pains me to see my guests' lips turning blue as a stiff breeze rakes over their huddled forms on my couch. The first thing I do after offering folks a seat is throw a quilt on them, and I'm thinking of installing a hot air hand dryer in my bathroom just for company.

Worst of all, though, is The Bedroom Window Issue. I know it's crazy to want the bedroom window open in the dead of winter, but that doesn't mean I don't love being all snuggled up in my comforter with just the tip of my nose sticking out to catch a little frostbite. Too bad Jack Frost is a guy, eh?

Dear Big Tipper,

I hate to move. I love my house. Everything sounds fine, right? My problem is I don't want to live with my roommate anymore. Our lease is up very soon, and I have no idea how to get rid of her and keep my house. We don't have the kind of communication upon which harmonious co-habitation is built, and I can't start with this. I'm leaning towards moving out but I really don't want to. What are my options?

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Dear Moved to Tears,

I'm assuming that since you said “my” house, it means your name is on the lease. If you're feeling brave, just suck it up and ask her to leave. It doesn't sound like you're good friends with her, so it will be initially stressful, but in the long run, no love lost, you know?

If you don't have the energy for being

entirely aboveboard, tell her that your lover is moving in, or that the landlord wants fewer people living in the house. And then tell her that she needs to leave. Give her back her deposit, and be as polite as possible until the door slams on her ass. Then clean off her kitchen shelf and spread out. Ahh. Good luck.

Dear Big Tipper,

Hare Krishna, I got a real big problem. So I'm having my usual dream about my retirement years in Boca Raton. Amaretto sours, surrounded by my girls in stiletto heels carrying my silver-plated ashtrays... So I'm on the golf course and I hear this ringa-ringafreakin' pacemaker? Shouldn't this thing ringa and I think, “Jesus Christ! Is that my have a warranty? Some kind of lifetime deal or at least a ten-year special?”

I wake up and realize the ringa-ringaringa is my friend's cell phone. Does this signify the beginning of a downward spiral in my life? Will I ever be old enough to have girls in stiletto heels? If I am, will my heart be too weak to handle them? Oy, vey. Havel. What should I do? A little dream analysis, please.

Dear Sweet Dreams of Sours,

Dream Baby

Um, what? I don't think there's an age requirement for stiletto heels, like there is for toe shoes. And the ringa-ringa of the pacemaker doesn't count as meaningful since it was caused by an outside noise. The other morning I was waking up to public radio and I dreamed I was a member of Congress eating raw shrimp the size of small dogs. And that damn well better not mean anything. If you've already got a girl, buy her a pair of stilettos. Just don't let her walk on your hardwood floors.

⚫ Pub tip du jour: I highly, highly recommend Bamboo Girl (P.O. Box 507, N.Y., N.Y. 10159, or BambooGirl@aol.com), a righteous zine by Sabrina Sandata, a Filipina (etc.)-American woman that's all about fighting racist, sexist, homophobic jerkoffs. She's up to #5 now (back issues available), and each issue is increasingly crammed with great stuff like Tagalog for the novice, rants on anti-Asian violence, strong anime women, 'n' lots more. At two bucks a pop, it's a great read and a better deal. Get it. ✓

Send your burning questions on life and love to M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, or e-mail to martone@ drizzle.com.

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